No matter what you believe in: G-d, Fate, the Powers that Be, the Universe, Mother Nature, Buddha, Islam, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is undeniable that things happen for a reason. That people are in your life for a reason. And most importantly, life lessons happen for a reason. There is an idea in Judaism that G-d gives you the same lesson over and over until you finally learn it.
You get a lesson. It hurts. You whimper like a kicked dog. And either learn from it. Or don't. Then you get the same lesson again. And whimper like a kicked dog. Repeat Ad Nausea until the lesson is learned. It seems from August until now I have been receiving the same lesson every month, five times a month, and still am not processing it. Cue the dog whimpering. Instead of learning from my lesson, I've been walking around like a kicked dog. Cowering, scared, but growling and biting the head off of anyone who comes near. Well, as a friend pointed out, it's not August anymore.
I am sure by now, my friends, family, and the Big Guy Upstairs are all scratching their heads, staring at me in wonderment, asking, "Why doesn't she get it? Ummm... hello? Don't you see what is happening here?"
Well, actually, no. I didn't. I thought I did. I said I did. But what I really did was throw my hands up in the air and say "AHH FUCK! WHAT'S GOING ON? WHO AM I? WHAT AM I DOING HERE? I HAVEN'T ACHIEVED ANYTHING! I NEED TO DO EVERYTHING YESTERDAY! FUCK FUCK FUCK!" Then I ran around in circles for no reason repeating past mistakes and hurting people I love in the process. Insert more dog whimpering here.
I lost control in some areas of my life where I should have kept control. In the past few months I have lost control of my daily routine and the healthy habits I had been cultivating. I was letting my emotions and base impulses drive my decisions as to what to eat and when to sleep. I need to regain control of my daily routine instead of just spastically jumping from activity to activity. I also need to regain control of my identity. What it means to be me in the here and now, and never ever give that over to anyone else ever again.
I took control of some areas of my life where I should have let go. I was trying to force things to happen because in my mind I had a list of milestones that I needed to happen at a certain age in order for me to feel fulfilled and happy. There is no need to push. There is no need to run in front of the train. That is a lesson that I will continue to learn throughout my lifetime.
Letting go does not mean letting go of everything. Taking control does not mean taking control of everything.
It is now time to turn the page, a fresh chapter, and begin.