Saints and Sinners

It’s not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. Sinners can surprise you and the same is true for saints. Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to believe that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart and that anyone is capable of anything.

I am not exactly certain where I got this quote from. I found it somewhere and saved it in my vast collection of quotes. It's been turning over and over in my mind recently.

There is a process wherein you open yourself up to others. Like a flower blooming, a person blooms, they open themselves up to others. This process is different for every individual. Some stay closed tight, trust no one, and no one gets to see the beautiful bud inside. Others have a hard shell exterior, but once you crack that open you get to see the beauty inside. Still others bloom for everyone. 

Part of me is cynical, having been burnt in the past, and that part feels it is better to stay closed up tight. However, another part has faith in others, and little by little I share myself with the world.

Still, we all should choose wisely for whom we bloom. 

Yesterday, I found out a shocking bit of news. A person I had opened myself up to completely, betrayed my trust. I suppose that is not so shocking in and of itself. People betray and are betrayed everyday. But this person was the very last one I thought would be capable of hurting me. And he hurt me and betrayed me in a most fundamental way. In a million years, I would not think this person would ever be capable of doing what he did. The news was unexpected and really came out of left field. 

My initial reaction was blinding anger. I wanted to track him down and beat the ever loving crap out of him. The anger has receded. It is still there under the surface, but it has receded. And I am not quite sure what is left. At the very least, a broken friendship after fourteen years. At most a young woman who is running out of faith. 

I often wonder how it is possible to have faith in others when they so often prove you wrong in such fundamental ways. Somehow the human race keeps marching on. Somehow we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and march onwards. And that is what I will do. That is what I always do. 

We are all sinner with the best of intentions holding out for hope.
— Me